’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
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Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Guy who likes music
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
There’s no “u” in narcissist