@OhNoSheTwitnt

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

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@thedad

Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what

@dlockw21

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

@HansGrubertron

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying

@Faux_Ma

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.

@meladoodle

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

@Angibangie

Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!

@MomofTeen

He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.

@TheAlexNevil

Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat

Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!

@fro_vo

Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye

@henriabuya

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !