50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
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“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
hackers play passwordle
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.