’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
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People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.