50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
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Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Weighing up my bread heating options
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.