50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
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[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.