50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
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“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
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Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*