[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
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New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
See..?
.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically