[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
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*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
How do you milk an almond?
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!