$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
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Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Saw online –
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither