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say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
There’s no “us” in nachos.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
181.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)