You Might Also Like
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.