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@Daniel_Sloss

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

@wildrainbow2

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

@trishimal25

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

@withanewname

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

@HallpassCanada

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

@osigat

♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.

@SkinnieTalls

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

@TheTweetOfGod

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

@skullmandible

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore