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I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.