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So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Called it
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Teamwork makes the dream work.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.