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johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
sistine chapel
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed