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@KimmyMonte

I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.

@BobGolen

I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.

@SJKSalisbury

Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.

@neiltyson

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

@clichedout

her: wanna go upstairs

me: ok

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

@ristolable

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

@Vice_Queen

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

@MooseAllain

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

@NickLMao1

How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.