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I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later