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Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
God, I love Scotland
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually