Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board

Me: I have a PhD in mathematics

Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack

Me: *nodding* that makes two

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

🙋‍♀️

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.

If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose

A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?

I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

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Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.