5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
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Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
dude it’s called proctologist
Finally, an instrument I can play!
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly