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Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Me too door. Me too.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie