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I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.