[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
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If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Well, that should do it
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.