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Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?