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I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
😍😂🥰😂😍
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.