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January has been Januweary
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
new wife guy just dropped
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen