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Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever