[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
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*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.