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What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.