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date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach