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Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Livid.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.