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Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car