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@HughGoesThere

Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.

@UnFitz

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

@KimmyMonte

{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?

@SaltyMacTavish

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

@

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

@TribalSpaceCat

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

@RxitWounds

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

@AVenezuelan19

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

@sweetmomissa

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?