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Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.


“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny


{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?


If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally


went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security


PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?


*Sits straight up in bed*

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*


Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?


Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?