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I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team