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Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house