You Might Also Like
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”