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Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what