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SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were