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“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.