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I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie