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[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
sistine chapel
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??