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*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Put this video in the Louvre
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.