5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
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[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
🤣😂
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Pigeon open mic night.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?