5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
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3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam