5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
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If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Rambo Rambow
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
I get distracted pretty eas
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.