[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
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My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
The Sun
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?