5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
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*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.