5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
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GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.