@mompsychologist

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

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@GrantTanaka

the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire

@savvystrider

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

@bjaynash

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

@Jake_Vig

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

@wildethingy

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

@AnkCoupleTO

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

@stewnami

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

@KeetPotato

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”