*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 馃槵*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
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I think it鈥檚 important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that鈥檚 enough cardio for one day.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I鈥檓 at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn鈥檛 have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Me: Of all my kids, you鈥檙e my favorite
12: I鈥檓 your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won鈥檛 keep you in the top spot for long
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I鈥檓 like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.