5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
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I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
True freaking story!
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again