5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
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This week’s mood.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat