5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
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*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
the answer was staring at me all along
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.